A Request, An Inspiration

My request is a simple and selfish one. I'm not even sure it's appropriate, but I'm posting it anyway. It's one that was made by a blogger that was suggested to me by a friend of mine. Anyway I recently have been reading it and she's lost her one and only baby just like I lost my one and only baby. If you have been reading her blog too then all of these words below will sound familiar to you.

It's a request made out of a need to know my son's life meant or means something to those around him. It's a request that any parent who has lost a child has either made vocally or has wished earnestly in their heart for...

My request is this:

If Kolby's life or loss has touched you in any way, caused you to change something about yourself, or even made you think about things a little differently, please share that with us through a comment, message, email(CassieJoWeske@aol.com or BryonGWeske@aol.com), etc. Bryon and I know how much Kolby means to us and the imprint he has made on our lives. Please share with us the imprint he has made on you in your own life, if he has. We will treasure what you have to say and will keep it personal and close to our heart more than you would ever imagine... even if you think it's sooo simple, it could mean the world to us... a dream, a thought, an experience, anything...

With each day that passes, we continue to feel the void that has been left within us. We'll never NOT feel it. But with the Lord's help and time, we know we will continue to heal. Even though it has been a year and 4 1/2 months and a new baby to care for, we couldn't get through each day relying on our own strength. We know He is carrying us....and He uses your prayers and kind words to pull us through.
Thank you...

Bryon & Cassie Weske

Happy 4th Anniversary - October 18th, 2009

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Bryon Gregory Weske

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Happy 4th Anniversary!
I Love You!

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We have been through a lot
these last four years.
through good and bad
through happy and sad.
We've had our trials
some have in a lifetime
and yet we are only
in the prime of our lives.

.

.

We've loved and we've lost
we've learned and experienced
more than I believe

we could ever imagine.
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We pop jokes, we tease
we love to please,
we get mad, we shriek
but always ends with ice cream
.

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We have made it
thus far I'm pleased,
who says we can't make it
for eternity?
We'll keep on going
6, 8 and year 20
you bet your sweet eyes

we'll go on together

for the rest of our lives.
.

.
And someday in heaven
we'll hold our first child
Sweet Kolby, we'll cry
with happy tears in our eyes,
we'll fill in that void

that was once lost,

ripped from our hearts

they don't know the cost.

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We'll feel the joy

of our sweet baby boy,

no more heartache,

no more pain,

the experience is only

ours to gain.

.

.

And after this life

we'll build kingdoms together,

we'll share intelligence

beyond imagination.

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How miraculous it will be

to spend together for eternity.

Together forever,

our happy little family

finally we'll be.

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Dreams do come true

and ours will too.

Kyler's Newborn Photo's

KYLER'S NEWBORN PHOTO'S

More Updates!

Kristin, Dave and Adam come to visit!
July 31st, 2009










Adam & Kyler










August 4th, 2009
Daddy & Me Sleeping...
SOOO CUTE!!

......ZZZZZZZZZ......

What have we been up to?

June 4th, 2009

Baby Kyler Jayden
(I love this outfit!!) Mommy and Kyler

June 10th, 2009

Daddy & Kyler

June 11th, 2009

Wearing my Blessing outfit that Angie & Richie gave me =-D

June 12th, 2009
Grandma Joni, Grandpa Kevin, Mommy & Kyler

The Splash Park!
June 24th, 2009

Conner & Kyler
June 26th, 2009

Kyler's Blessing Day... Grandpa Kevin gave him his blessing.
June 28th, 2009

Angie, Richie & Mylie come to visit!

June 30th, 2009

Angie, Richie & Mylie

Kyler and little buddy Hunter

July 3rd, 2009

Conner holding baby brother, Kyler

July 5th, 2009

The Kids on our way to The Oklahoma Aquarium! - July 7th, 2009

and me... Bryon wouldn't turn around for a picture...

Our Family... for now. - July 7th, 2009

Kyler and the rest of us driving Conner, Lisa and Mom to the Airport

July 15th, 2009

Michelle & Lisa

Conner at the Airport on his way home to Utah

July 15th, 2009

Kyler waiting to get his GI done

July 17th, 2009

Kyler had reflux... Fun fun fun...

Kyler sleeping with his little giraffe

July 18th, 2009

Kyler Jayden - "Little Racer" Outfit!

July 19th, 2009

Bath Time! Kyler LOVES his baths!
This was him in his carseat right before I discovered he had just had his first blowout... no wonder the face he had!! A little uncomfortable don't you think? Gross!!

July 20th, 2009

Kyler and his little buddy Hunter

July 22nd, 2009

Updates...

Visiting Kolby's Grave... June 28th-ish 2009

Help! Quick!

Bryon and I can't agree on what to name our little baby boy! We like the same names, just not in the same order and what to call him.

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... Kolby's middle name is Jayden and we want to name his little brother after him to honor him. We just can't agree on which order!

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There's a poll on the right... vote!

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Either...

Jayden Kyler Weske

or

Kyler Jayden Weske

My New Salon Website... Finally!

I finally started a blog for my Salon Services!

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I have started a 2nd blog called http://www.serendipitysalon.blogspot.com/ for all my hair clientelle.

I also finally have business cards!!!

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*Stay updated on the hours and days I do hair here as well as all my salon prices.

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Also I posted when I will not be able to do hair for when our baby is born!

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Here are a few updated pictures of my bellly.

The one in the green shirt was taken on April 20th, I am 34 weeks in this picture.

The one in the blue shirt was taken April 28th, I am 35 weeks there. Not too much difference I guess. Oh well! I am sooo ready!!!

This is my most favorite kind of treat! I absolutely LOVE specialty drinks, virgin of coarse, but they are simply Divine!!
Okay, so here is the latest update on Max. The spinal fluid would not stop leaking from Max's ear. He underwent a 5 hour surgery to try and find and stop the leak. They could not find it in the brain lining. The ENT then went in after the Neurosurgeon and had to remove the bones in his inner ear that were crushed. He found a big resevoir of spinal fluid and thinks that was where it was leaking from. He was able to seal it with some tissue that was harvested from somewhere in his cranium area. Max is back in ICU.
So everyone knows, the boy that did this to Max has been arrested and is in jail and being charged as an adult for premeditated murder. Yay! Get him put away!!!
I have had many people asking for an updated picture of me with my pregnant belly so here's a few from the last few months: The first, Bryon and I on Valentine's Day (2/14/09)

The second, same day at 24 weeks & 4 days (6 months).

I'm not sure when this 3rd picture was taken (the one in the pink shirt) I'll guess sometime in January, 2009.

The 4th picture was taken March 23rd, 2009 (Orange shirt) when I was 30 weeks (7 1/2 months).

The 5th picture (blue shirt) was taken April 8th, 2009 at 32 weeks (8 months).

Michelle, this one's for you. You told me you've never seen the picture of you with Kolby. I absolutely LOVE it. He looks so much older in it. I wish I had taken more pictures of him! I believe this is one of the most recent pictures of Kolby that we have.

These next two pictures are of Bryon and I eating out at the Cheesecake Factory using the gift card my parents gave us for Christmas... Finally! It was yummy!! Thank you Mom & Dad!!

Update - Max VonZastrow

So here is an update about Max and the story of what has taken place.
There is this kid that Max used to be friends with at school. I don't know his name, don't care to know his name... anyway this sick kid. Got it? K. So Max and this kid used to be friends.
Jeanne and Dave (Max's parents, my aunt/uncle) never did feel like this kid was a good kid to be friends with. Well, not long ago while Dave, Jeanne and Max were on vacation, this kid decided to steal Dave's Jeep. He drove it all around Moab and his plan was to drive it off a cliff and watch it explode. Luckily Moab is a small town so everyone knows each other and so this kid got caught before anything horrible happened.
When they got home from their trip and were told about the incident, Jeanne talked to Max about not being friends with this kid anymore. Max agreed willingly.
Well, Max is cute, tall, has lots of friends, plays football, etc. Let's just say, jelously got the best of this sick kid that Max used to be friends with. Not long ago, this kid beat up Max at school. Jeanne decided that they were not going to press charges cuz she felt like this kid deserved another chance.
Well, later on... Killing Max became this kid's obsession it seems. He told kids at school that he had a gun with two bullets in it. One for him and one for Max. The day of this incident, this kid was asking other kids, "If you were to kill somebody with a baseball bat, where would you hit them?"
After school was out, Max and two friends walked home from school together. Max had the boys come to his house. Jeanne was on a business trip and Dave was at work. Max was on the computer while his friends were watching TV and doing other things. So this evil kid and one of his evil kanevil friends made their way over to the VonZastrow's house and walked right in.
This evil kid came up behind Max without Max even knowing he was there and swung the bat as hard as he could on the right side of Max's head. So hard in fact that it knocked the bat out of his hands and hit Max's friend on the shoulder. Then these evil kids took off as fast as they could.
Max's friends saw him lying on the ground. They got Max, who was in and out of consciousness, to the car and rushed him to the hospital. They immediately life flighted him to a hospital in Grand Junction.
Max is regaining consciousness and is starting to reason better. He is still in and out of sedation. He's in a lot of pain, obviously, and is especially annoyed with the catheter. According to Jeanne, Max is improving and getting his sense of humor back. For example, he was being asked about his body temperature. "Max, are you hot?" To which he replied, "Of course I am!"
Unfortunately he has permanently lost hearing in his right ear, and the nerves in his face have been severely damaged. Doctors hope that with therapy his nerves can be improved or restored. I believe one of the main concerns right now is that he still has spinal fluid leaking out of his ear. I guess that's a bad thing.
Jeanne and Dave are overwhelmed with the outpour of love and support from family, friends, acquaintances, members of the church, and even people they don't know. I think they feel very grateful and humbled. In Jeanne's words, "To everything there is a purpose and a reason under heaven." What a great attitude to have amidst the horrific event.
We love you Max, Jeanne and Dave and continue to pray and think about you constantly. Despite the event, you will be blessed and this trial will make you even stronger.

Tragic News...

I don't know where to begin other than asking for your prayers for my 15 year old cousin, Max at this desperate time. You hear about things like this happening on the news all the time but you never think of it being someone close to you and in your own family. My heart breaks as I sit here sobbing, trying to type out the words of what has happened to my sweet cousin... I just don't understand how someone could do this to such a good kid.
I had a hair appointment scheduled this evening. We had a really neat and touching conversation about life, losing Kolby, how Heavenly Father blesses us and tests us. It was so good... but then, after she leaves, I walk back into the family room where my family is all sitting together watching American Idol (as a distraction). I thought to myself, "Sweet, I get to watch American Idol and fast forward through all the commercials!"
(I don't have this luxury at my house!)
So I walk in there and I'm getting ready to sit down and watch it and they pause it. I'm thinking, "Okay..." And my Mom and Dad came right out and said... "We just got a phone call from Jeanne and Dave this evening (my Aunt & Uncle) and Max is being Life-Flighted to a trauma hospital in Grand Junction, Colorado. Max has been beat in the head with a baseball bat by a kid at his school. (In Moab, Utah) We don't know anything else but we are waiting to hear from Jeanne and Dave again."
While Jeanne was out of town for work on a layover in Denver, she got the "dreaded phone call"... and was luckily able to get a ticket to Grand Junction to go be with her son Max and her husband, Max's Dad, Dave as they arrived at the hospital there. They immediately rushed him into surgery.
After the surgery, the Doctors said that they feel the surgery went rather well however are trying to be carefully optimistic that he will pull through.
The next 48 hours are the most crucial. His skull has been fractured, they had to remove a piece of his skull to keep the swelling in his brain under control so that it didn't cause more trauma. They have to drain the fluid carefully, his one side of his head was beat so severely that he has ulitmately lost his hearing in one of his ears already. There is spinal fluid draining out of his ear so they have to keep him elevated so that it goes down rather than out of his ear. He has several spots on his brain of bruising or petrusions if you will. He has nerve damage on one part of his face that he will have to go to therapy for. He won't be going back to school this year obviously. At this point, we aren't even quite sure why or how this even happened.
Please keep Max and his Mom(Jeanne) and Dad(Dave) in your prayers... as well as our family and friends that know and love Max. This is such a tragic thing to happen, I just don't understand how somebody could be so sick in the head to beat someone almost to his death. It just doesn't make sense to me. What is this world coming to? It's sick...

Love and Prayers coming your way... We love you Max, Dave and Jeanne VonZastrow... We will be praying and fasting for you guys...

So I have finally decided to post most everything that I have been saving on my blog as "drafts" and wasn't sure about posting. They are all spread out and in random order so if you feel like reading things that really went through my head through the last 8 months of this grief process, you are welcome to read about it. There are eight to ten new postings from June 2008 to now - February 2009.
I wanted to share something I recently read about the Grief we go through when we experience a Significant Loss in our Lives here on Earth... it is so profound, so true, enjoy...

"I would like you to meet my best friend. His name is Grief. We met each other unexpectedly and became friends instantly. He follows me wherever I go. When I go to sleep at night he tucks me in and whispers in my ear, "I'll see you in the morning." When I awake surely he has held true to his promise and greets me with a frown. He frowns because he is sad he had to meet me. He is the most loyal friend in the world. You can forget him for a while and not even think about him and he is willing to return at the drop of a dime. Grief is unselfish though. When other friends are around, he takes a back seat. He is quieted by the chattering of my other friends. It's nice to have a break from Him. Sometimes he's unrelenting and can be a drag. Other times I am greatful he's my friend because when he's around I know I haven't Forgotten. A while back he was my very best friend. Slowly other friends are taking his place and he doesn't visit as often. I have even made friends with Joy again. I thought I had lost her friendship forever. Joy is a good friend too. Hopefully one day I will be able to be as good friends with Joy as I was with Grief. Maybe one day we can all be friends and share the same heart. To live in the Joy of today, to remember the Grief of yesterday and to love all of my tomorrows. When all three of us can attain the same heart, I know our new best friend will be Peace."

The Special Day...

Happy Valentines Day to you my Sweet baby Kolby... you are so loved and so deeply missed. I love you sweetheart and can't wait to see you and be with you again...

So I finally decided it was time to post these pictures. I've been putting it off for way too long. It is incredibly emotional looking at these pictures again. This was one of the hardest days ever in my life and I am lucky to have friends that put everything aside in their own lives to be there for the emotional support my family, my husband and myself needed at this time.
Thank you Robyn & Donnie for everything you've done for Bryon & I. The adorable cake for Kolby, the Helium filled Balloons... the friends... the emotional support... you are amazing friends and we are so lucky to have you a part of our lives. You have been there every step of the way for us. Through the good days and the hard days... you are wonderful!!!

The thought that Kolby would have been 2 years old on January 4th, 2009 twists unbearable knots in my stomach and tightens up my throat to the point where I feel like I can't hardly breathe. Fighting off another break down again is another step towards what? What am I supposed to be feeling right now? Joy?... Really?... How? Happiness?... Right. I only Wish. This sick gut wrenching feeling as I watch others with their own children and how happy they are. Do they have any idea how lucky they are to still have each child? Do they know what it's like to have to fathom the pain we're dealing with? To be a friend and know someone is one thing but to actually be the Mother. I swear no one understands. As if I'm supposed to be fine now... is that a joke? It hurts just as bad today as it did the day it happened.

You know the quote, "Time heals." Well, in a sense it heals by teaching you how to get away from the pain and how to deal with it in other ways but it doesn't actually HEAL so that you feel normal again. Although I would love that and that would be ideal... it is not so. Time helps me learn how to deal with the pain and somewhat how to control it. I don't know if I will ever understand & I don't know if I will ever be able to accept what has happened. Losing my first baby boy, losing Kolby, the joy of my life, the happiness of my heart... the adventures I enjoyed with him a part of my small, cute, little family... will it ever get better? Will I ever feel that joy again? Will I ever be able to live a normal life again? My honest belief is that my life will never be the same. I have to come up with a "new" kind of normal. And it's not a normal that anyone would ever understand unless they have gone through losing a child too. Only then would they understand. It is Unimaginable. Undescribable. Unbearable. Unbelievable. Just painful. I never imagined my life going down a road like this. I'm sure everybody thinks the way I did. You don't think anything like this would ever happen to you. Be sooo careful and be ready for anything. Life is definitely not an easy road.

Like Christ said, "I never said it would be easy, I only said it would be worth it."

"Without knowing the most deepest pain imaginable, you could not know the most deepest joy imaginable."

That is something to think about.

"It's not about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain."

A list of links of those who participated in Kolby's Birthday: (still adding everyday)

http://wandablck.blogspot.com/

How You Can Help When One is Bereaved & Grieving...

When Someone you Love is Bereaved & Grieving... You CAN Help... here's how:

I know a lot of people just "don't know what to say or do" so they don't do anything.
Not doing anything is the wrong answer.
Hopefully this list can help you help the ones you love in their journey of Grief.

1. First and foremost TALK about the loved one who's passed. Even if it uncomfortable at first, it will become easier.
2. If you didn't know the person at all or very well, ask to hear about them and learn of them through stories.
3. Don't ever put a time line on someone's grief.
4. Saying things like, "They are in a better place." Really isn't comforting. It makes the bereaved feel like the place they had with them wasn't good.
5. If you don't know what to say, just say, "I'm So sorry you have to go through this."
6. If the person needs to analyze the circumstances surrounding the death, let them just talk and rehash anything as many times as they need to.
7. Don't assume they are ever "better." It never gets better and will be a part of them for the rest of their lives.
8. Don't underestimate how frazzled, absent minded & spacey grief can make you.
9. Pamper them if you have means. Retail Therapy works great for me... So does pedicures and getting my hair done. I feel awful on the inside, at least I could try to feel good about me on the outside.
10. Love notes. Emails. Thinking of You cards. Thinking of the bereaved person cards.
11. Do not, I stress Do not get offended if your loved one doesn't answer his/her phone right away or return your calls immediately. Don't assume that they don't appreciate your effort. It's just that someone bereaved doesn't want to put on a "happy voice" and burden everyone with their grief. They'll call when they feel ready.
12. Most bereaved people will not offer information on how they are doing unless they truly feel like you want to know.
13. Validate.Validate.Validate. Please whatever you do, don't compare your loved ones loss to someone elses "harder loss". Every loss is hard. Comparing makes the person feel like they shouldn't struggle because it could be worse.
14. The comment "but aren't you greatful you know you'll see them again" isn't comforting. It is not a fix all. It is comforting, but it doesn't take the pain out of not having them now.
15. Just make sure they know you love them. Be a shoulder to cry on.

Hope this helps you all... Good Luck.

Kolby Jayden Weske's 2nd Birthday!!

Kolby Jayden Weske's 2nd Birthday is January 4th, 2009!!!

We would love if all of our friends and family could join us in Celebrating Kolby Jayden's 2nd Birthday!

Kolby's 2nd Birthday is on Sunday, January 4th, 2009!

Our way of having you involved and a part of Kolby's 2nd Birthday is this:

Get Helium filled Balloons... each person write their own little message for Kolby on the balloon. Go somewhere beautiful and get everyone together at the same time and release the balloons in the air and take pictures of it for us!

We would LOVE you to share your own experiences with us for Kolby's Birthday. I will be putting everything together in a Special Memory Scrapbook for Kolby's Family & Friends, but most importantly for his Brother Conner and his new little brother coming (in my belly!) in May or June of 2009! (and of coarse for any future brother's and sister's he may have!)

We are so anxiously awaiting the day when we will get to see and be with Kolby again someday.

Love & Hugs to you all!
We Love You!

Love Always & Forever,

The Weske Family - Bryon, Cassie, Conner, Kolby, & the little Munchkin in my belly!

P.S. The pictures in this post are from Kolby's 1st Birthday!

Shahara, you're my Angel & you don't even know it...

http://ourashtonmoments.blogspot.com/

Gillian,
I have been guided from a friend to your blog to read about your experience with celebrating your precious little boys 2nd birthday. There is a reason behind all of this... I have a friend who has a mutual friend of yours. Jen Guthrie is friends with our really close family friend Shahara Crist and her family.
My name is Cassie Weske. I have a sweet little baby boy that passed away this year too (the end of May). He was 16 1/2 months, his name is Kolby. It was an accident too, a drownding... His 2nd birthday is coming up on January 4th, 2009 and I am sooo emotional about it and I don't know what to do.
I really want to celebrate it big and I have been so scared to go through with it in fear of my family not being able to cope with it emotionally. Shahara told me to read your blog and she said she thought it might help. It has definitely helped.
I do have to ask you a question though. Do you think it's weird if I want to buy him a few presents along with a cake? Although I don't know who would open them... I couldn't do it. I wish my family knew how scared I feel. I know I should just talk to them. I am just so scared for some reason. I don't even know why. What does the tile say in one of those pictures you posted? Something about Heaven I think.
I am 26, my husband Bryon is 30, Kolby was and is my first, my husbands 2nd. I don't have another yet although we are expecting again, which I am terrified and somewhat exited, I'm happy I'm just scared. Anyway, my husband and I live in Oklahoma and my parents do too. My husbands parents are in Utah, along with my stepson, Conner, who lives with his mother in Utah and all the rest of both sides of our families. I noticed you have family in Utah too? Where at? We moved from Utah to Oklahoma the middle of March this year. 2 1/2 months later we lost Kolby. It's been a really hard adjustment... obviously you know...
Well, I just wanted to say hi and introduce myself. May I ask you how it is being this far into it? I need peace in knowing I'm not alone in this process of still being full of pain and anguish of missing my baby boy. Does it get easier? You're little boy is so precious... I love the pictures you posted of him. They are so adorable.
Well, if you want to, my blog is http://www.cassieweske.blogspot.com/
I hope to hear from you soon.
Warmest Wishes to you & your family this Christmas,


Cassie Weske

A Poem That Nailed It!

Just say "I'm sorry"

You don't know how I feel; please don't tell me that you do.
There's just one way to know - have you lost a child too?
"You'll have another child" - must I hear this everyday?
Can I get another mother too, if mine should pass away?
Don't say it was "God's will" - that's not the God I know.
Would God, on purpose, break my heart, then watch as my tears flow?

"You have an Angel in Heaven - a precious child above".
But tell me, to whom here on earth, shall I give this love?
"Aren't you better yet?" Is that what I heard you say?
No! A part of my heart aches and I'll always feel the pain.
You think that silence is kind, but it hurts me even more.
I want to talk about my child who has gone through death's door.
Don't say these things to me, although you do mean well.
They do not take my pain away, I must go through this hell.
I will get better, slow but sure - and it helps to have you near
But a simple "I'm sorry you lost your child" is all I need to hear.
Author unknown

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I am going private on my blog. If you want to continue to keep up with our family please post me your email address. Thanks!

Weske Family

I am working harder at getting back to friends and family who are trying to get a hold of me. For a while there I went invisible it seems. There were a few people that would leave messages that I didn't know how to talk to. I just don't know how. Maybe I'm just scared to talk sometimes and I'm so tired of crying. I know if I talk then I'll just end up crying again. I want to actually call and talk to you though, know this. If anything I know that you could bring me comfort. I'm terrified to face Christmas without Kolby. Soon after that, his 2nd Birthday. I want to celebrate it BIG. I want to do something REALLY special for him and I really want someone else in my family to reach out and really help me. I just feel like nobody really wants to or thinks I'm crazy. I feel like everyone just wants to forget about him and doesn't want to celebrate it because to them it's weird or something. Painful. And understandably painful. No kidding. No body here has even brought Kolby a flower to his grave. It makes me wonder if they really even care. If they really even miss him. It's all about the new baby in the family now. No more talking about Kolby. Everyone just forgets. I hate it. I can't stand it. I wish people would just show it if they really care. I'm so frustrated with them. I don't want to be. I know that they care and that they miss him. Maybe I am just being selfish. Maybe I am just feeling anger right now. I don't understand the feelings I'm having all the time. I just want to yell at everyone so badly. I just want to tell them how I really feel and how much it hurts my feelings that nobody visits Kolby at his grave or leaves him a flower or anything. I'm so frustrated with them and I know I shouldn't be.
Help...

Happy Thanksgiving, Kolby

I dedicate this Poem to My Sweet Baby Boy,
Kolby Jayden Weske

You would have been 1 year, 10 months & 23 days old today.
I wonder every day what you would be saying
and if you would be talking in sentences yet.
I wonder how fast you would be running right now,
we all know you can climb really well.
I wonder if you would be starting to learn
how to swing a baseball bat yet
or even trying to kick a soccer ball.
It hurts still, excruiciating pain inside my heart to be without you.
I still feel like I don't know how to live without you
in our lives here on earth.
It's so different now, it will never be normal again & I know that.
It's just so hard to learn how to go on.
It's a daily battle inside my heart,
I wish it were all different but it's not
and I have to learn how to go on.
Know that I love you more than I could ever express in words.

Happy Thanksgiving Sweetheart,

Mommy & Daddy love you so incredibly much.
We miss you more than you will ever know...

Just one little peek into heaven,
Is all I'm asking for today.
I just want to know how he's doing,
And heaven seems so far away.
Is he playing on the clouds with angels?
Is he laughing and running today?
Does he miss me?
I guess only he knows.
Oh why does heaven seem so far away?
If you just let me look for a moment,
To catch a glimpse of his sweet smiling face,
I promise I won't try to take him,
I know, he's in a better place.
Just one little peek into heaven,
Is all I'm asking for today.
I just want to know how he's doing,
And heaven seems so far away...
by Callie Sanders Thornton

This poem describes everything I think about

every single day that I face.
I miss you so much Kolby.
Stay close & keep us going strong.

A letter to a friend on the "Angel Blog"... for my own notes.

The first thing I want to say is Hang In There. It is sooo incredibly hard to go through what you are going through. No body else will fully understand, ever. Unless they have lost a child too... they just don't get it. That's what this website is for I suppose.
I wish I could put my arms around you to give you a hug and you could give me one too. I, too, am still grieving... I feel like it never ends. Sometimes I think in my head, "Why couldn't this have been someone else and not my Kolby?" My selfish thinking that I should NOT be thinking in any way, shape or form!! It angers me yet still. I have a hard time understanding why.
My Kolby drowned also. Same story except me and my husband were gone when it happened. Luckily we were only 5 minutes away so we got there quick after it happened. The paramedics beat us there though. Maybe that's a good thing though. I don't know if I could have handled it. My poor mom and dad and sister. They were the ones at home when it happened. We were living with them at the time. We had just moved to Oklahoma from Utah 2 1/2 months before this. It was an above ground pool which is the craziest thing. He obviously knew how to climb the ladder. He was only 16 1/2 months old. 5 days shy of his 17 month old birthday.
We all learned a very hard lesson. I think I was the only one that knew he could actually climb that ladder. I guess I just assumed everyone would keep the ladder up no matter what and that they knew he could climb it.
I hate that we have to go through this. It just doesn't seem fair. It doesn't seem right and I don't like it one bit. On November 30th it will have been 6 months since my Kolby passed away. It is still hard and I still cry and break down. It does get easier but at the same time it is still SOOO incredibly hard to deal with.
This is definitely not something anyone ever "Get's over". It's something that we have to learn to adjust to and learn how to "go on". Which is EXTREMELY difficult. Not everyone understands that. That is what makes this even that much harder. No body but us will ever TRULY understand how we feel.
Maybe one of the reasons your brother hasn't asked you how you've been in the last 2 months is maybe because he knows that you're probably having a really hard time still. And he doesn't know how to talk to you about it. Maybe he knows he doesn't get it? I don't know. Maybe I'm talking and it's not anywhere close to what the actual story is.

Anyway, hang in there... we're all here for you and for each other. We're the only ones that "truly get it".

Cassie Weske

A letter to a friend on the "Angel Blog"
I just wanted to post it for my own rememberance.

Honestly it's hard to say whether to take AntiDepressants or not. After reading what you wrote, my first instinct is to tell you NOT to take them.
I've been through extreme clinical depression before and I was on A.D's for about 3-4 years. I finally got off of them thanks to my husband. He encouraged me to brake away and I am actually very greatful to him for that. I think that the Doctor's kept me on them way longer than I needed to be. I didn't notice that I had no feelings of emotions whatsoever until I met Bryon(my husband). I also started to have extreme health problems that we believe may have been caused by being on them for too long.
My point is, if you do decide to start taking them, be careful not to be on them longer than needed. I think if you truly believe that you are going through extreme clinical depression, then getting on them for a short period could be very helpful but scary cuz you ARE pregnant. However, if you feel that you are just going through this depression because of the circumstances, which trust me, I've been there... then I would say to try to stick it out as long as you can.
I lost my little one, Kolby, on May 30th, 2008 (this year) so I can honestly tell you that I went through what you are going through and remember that there IS a light at the end of the tunnel that you keep moving toward everyday even though it doesn't feel like it. To me if felt like it only got worse as time goes on and trust me... it does. It gets harder, at least it did for me. It's now been almost 6 months (on Nov. 30th) and I can tell you that it is still hard but not as bad as it was a few months ago. I think the 2nd month was extremely harder than the 1st cuz your in so much shock and the 3rd month seemed to get harder. I can't remember the next few months. I shared a lot of how I was feeling on my blog. If you feel like reading long stories, you're welcome to read it.
http://www.cassieweske.blogspot.com/
I didn't write too much but on a few bad days I would vent either through writing or through a poem.
I hope I've been of some kind of help in some way. I would encourage you to stick it out. To me, it sounds like you are just grieving. I skipped a lot of get togethers too and I did a lot of the things you did. I screen my calls still because I just don't feel up to talking about it sometimes or even talking at all. I believe it really is just part of grieving. I have learned that grief is a really hard process to go through... it's not fun, it's not easy and it takes work every second of every day. It is almost unbearable. Actually it IS unbearable most of the time, at least I think it is. BUT... I know the difference of feeling clinically depressed now and going through the grieving process.
I've also learned that one of the most important things you can do when you are feeling like not socializing and not wanting to go out or do anything... that's when you need your friends the most. It's good to have your own personal time too though so don't get worried if you do choose to stay home and take a night to yourself. You definitely deserve your own time. Make sure you are getting out though too, that's really important for healing.
I've also found that it's more healing to surround yourself with people who can understand and sympathize with you. I think it's emotionally harder to have to worry about someone else worrying about you. If I were you, I would confront your family members and let them know how you feel about it... of coarse in a tender way so that they can understand. Just tell them that you really ARE just going through the grieving process and that sometimes you just need to take a time out. It's healing and good for you and it's good for them to know that.
Anyway. Again, I hope that I've helped even a little.
Kolby was my first. I have a stepson named Conner who is turning 7 soon. He lives in another state with his mom. We hardly ever get to see him because of being so far away. So that's kind of hard but summertime and Christmas we see him.
But I am pregnant again too and due next June. It's a bitter-sweet feeling finding out you're pregnant after you've lost your first one to a tragedy. It's really hard. I'm exited but yet I'm SOOO incredibly sad about it. It Terrifies me to be honest. I don't know what to expect and that scares me.
Anyway, write back to me and let me know how you're doing and what you decide to do. I'm not on here everyday like I would like to be but I try to check it every once in a while. I haven't gotten up enough guts to tell my story about Kolby on here yet. Soon hopefully.
CassieJoWeske@aol.com
Hope to hear from you.
Cassie Weske

TAGGED

RULES
1. Post rules on your Blog
2. Answer the six "8" items
3. Let each person know they have been tagged by leaving them a comment

8 FAVORITE SHOWS
1. One Tree Hill
2. Privileged
3. 90210
4. Gossip Girl
5. House
6. Reba
7. Still Standing
8. Two and a half Men

8 THINGS I DID YESTERDAY
1. Spent time with family
2. Visited Kolby's Grave
3. Ate stuffing, chicken and green beans and then threw it all up! Thanks to being pregnant!!!
4. Watched a movie with my sweet husband
5. Relaxed
6. Went to a friends house and held a puppy, hoping not to be allergic to! I think it worked!
7. Woke up in the middle of the night with several bumps on the top of my feet that itched like crazy and made me want to scratch my skin off!! Think it was an allergic reaction to something, no idea what though. Weird.
8. Dreamed!

8 THINGS I LOOK FORWARD TO
1. Being with Kolby again
2. Birth of our new baby coming
3. Kolby's 2nd Birthday
4. Finishing Kolby's scrapbook
5. Moving into a new house, our first!
6. Bryon's next Birthday!
7. Going on a REAL Vacation with just my husband!
8. When Bryon retires!!!

8 FAVORITE RESTAURANTS
1. Olive Garden
2. Cafe Rio
3. Pablano Grill
4. Papa Johns Pizza
5. Jamba Juice
6. PF Chang
7. Toby Keith's
8. Taco Bell

8 THINGS ON MY WISH LIST
1. Kolby
2. To be a WHOLE family again
3. A Spa Treatment Day
4. A shopping spree to buy a new wardrobe
5. Free Airline Tickets to Anywhere, Anytime
6. No Such Thing as WORK
7. A Sewing Machine
8. A Piano

8 PEOPLE TO TAG
1. Angie
2. Mom
3. Wannie
4. Kellie
5. Celeste
6. Donna
7. Michelle
8. Kim Wheeler

I've Been Tagged!!

3 Joys:- Bryon, Kolby & Family.

3 Fears:- Definitely not dying anymore sooo... my main and I think Only fear now is losing my husband, losing another child to a tragic death and losing a family member or a close friend.

3 Goals:- Get into a house by next Summer; Get a Degree; Make it back to Kolby in Heaven.

3 Current Obsessions/Collections:- Scrapbooking; Learning new Recipes to try and cook; Preparing for a new baby.

3 Surprising Facts:- I once wrote a Piano piece that won 1st place in a Piano Competition when I was in High School; I secretly still want 8 kids or more (my husband would die if he knew that); I absolutely hate working, it doesn't matter where I work or what I do, I'd rather be home spending time with my family!!!

3 People Tagged: Joni, Angie, Michelle & Wannie, Laura, Robyn

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 25TH, 2008

So I went to the Doctor and it is obviously confirmed that I am pregnant. Yay! I am 8 1/2 weeks along and my due date is June 2nd, 2009. Weird because that was the day of Kolby's funeral... But, I have to have a c-section anyway (Kolby was breech & he was c-section) so we can schedule what day we want to have the baby. Whew! That would have been not good.

I know it's been a while since I've posted. My desktop computer has a virus so until I can get it fixed I have to try to find other ways to post right now.

I've been tagged so here it goes:

LITTLE THINGS ABOUT ME

*Five things on my to do list today:

(Well, since I have to work until 11:30pm tonight, I'll say 5 things on my to do list for the next month!)

1. I don't think Work counts for this list, so my 1st one would be... try to have a better attitude about Life (really why Kolby died, trying to accept it)
2. Visit Kolby's Grave
3. Finish Kolby's Scrapbook
4. Finish Kolby's Scrap-blog
5. Try not to get morning sickness anytime of the day & if I do then try to stick it out at work & not have to leave early puking! (Thanks Mom... you're just lucky you never had morning sickness!)

*Five snacks I enjoy:

1. Chips, Salsa & Queso
2. Jamba Juice
3. Pizza
4. Bananas
5. Anythings Sweet... Almost.

*Five things I would do if I were a millionaire:

1. Do everything I could to figure out how to scientifically travel back in the past and bring Kolby back to life.
2. Build a dream house & move all my family in one location & build all their dream houses. Buy a boat & live a few miles from a beautiful lake & the mountains.
3. Travel all over the world with ALL my kids & see everything
4. Get a full body massage every day
5. Donate to help people that really need help.

*Five places I've lived:

1. Utah
2. Arizona
3. Oklahoma
4. That's
5. it!!

Now I'm tagging: You!

So I work in a hospital and I work dispatch in the security department. I work 4 days a week and I really like my job. (P.S. -to those of you wondering, YES, I'm still doing hair! I do it out of my home now, I have a little salon set up there) Anyway today... was really hard and I'll tell you why. This rarely happens. I received a call from someone needing me to beep them in to the doors of the hospital. It was someone from a funeral home. Their exact words were, "Hi, I'm here from "so and so" funeral home to pick up a baby from the NICU." I just broke down inside remembering the day that Kolby passed away and imagining that same thing happening after we left the hospital. How sick I feel inside for this poor family who just lost their little baby. I wish I could be of some comfort to them in their lives right now and tell them what to expect and how it goes going through something like this. I do know that life keeps moving on even when you feel like you want it to just pause or rewind. If I can get through this, anyone can.

Thursday, September 25th, 2008

So yesterday I took a pregnancy test and it looked like this... +
If you didn't see that I'll do it again...
++++++++++++++++++

According to the pregnancy test...

Kolby's going to have a new little brother or sister!!

But... I still need to go to the Doctor and confirm it!

Looks like my sis beat me to it on posting the news! (i love you Ang!)

I'm scared and nervous and terrified.... but I'm Extremely Exited!!!

I hope I don't have to get sick on this pregnancy... naseau is the worst! I'll get to have another little pop-belly again! I was wondering when I was ever going to be able to use my pregnancy clothes again!!

I have no idea when the due date is yet. I'm going to guess somewhere in June. I'll keep you updated. Here we go... !!!

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 21ST, 2008

So if you are reading this blog, you know about my little boy Kolby... We all know that it's one of those things that you NEVER think would happen to you...

At times it still feels like it's not real and I don't know how to believe it. It almost feels like I'm in a deep sleep or a coma and I'm having a complete nightmare thinking that I'm going to wake up and everythings going to be back to the way it was before. It's hard to believe that Kolby is really gone. It's hard to believe it because I feel him around me a lot and I feel like I can hear him talking to me often. The only wish I have is that I could have him physically here with me right now. That actually is really devastating a lot of the time because I want to be with him so incredibly badly. I know I'll get to finish raising him in the millenium which is such a comfort for me. I don't think I could mentally and emotionally be okay if I didn't know that piece of life. But it definitely doesn't take away the pain and anguish that Bryon and I both feel every second of every day.
It is such a comfort and brings a lot of peace knowing that I'll be with him again someday. Funny thing is that I know Kolby is the happy one and we are the miserable ones left behind on earth to finish our course of life. That's when I have to remember to quit waiting for the storm to pass and learn to dance in the rain. I know this storm is going to be over my head and a part of my life for the rest of my life until I die and I can choose one of two things. I can choose to be miserable or I can choose to make the most out of the rest of my life that I have left.

Friday, September 5th, 2008

So I was reading my Aunt Ann's blog today and I read something that really hit my gut hard. This is what I read:

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's learning to dance in the rain."

Her comment: "I stood there and cried! It really hit home! It seems like most of my life, I have been waiting for the next phase."

I couldn't agree more. Those very words that she used describe to the T exactly how I feel when I read that too. I guess I'm guilty of that in every aspect of my life. Especially this nightmare of Kolby's death. I guess I learned that I shouldn't wait for the storm to pass, I should learn to dance in the rain.

Wednesday, August 20th, 2008

I woke up this morning and I'm feeling a lot better. As I read over what I wrote lastnight I think to myself, "Was I really feeling that depressed? Wow." I feel stronger now than I did lastnight. It's interesting to see the cycle that a greiving mother goes through right? I think so. I try to look at myself in a different perspective. I'm tired of feeling depressed and I'm ready to smell the flowers! I know finding a job is going to be hard, but I know it will all work out. I know my Father in Heaven is looking out for me and listening to my prayers. I know He is giving me strength and comfort. I know I am going to have sad times but I know I am going to get through it. I know Kolby wants me to be happy and it makes him sad when I'm sad. I am going to try with all my might and strength to be strong for Kolby, my huband and myself. It's amazing how much our Father in Heaven is looking out for our family. I just want to say thank you to those of you who have left your sweet comments, it is really helpful and appreciated. If you read this blog and haven't commented, I encourage you to say something. It's really encouraging. If you know other families who have lost a child and have a blog, I encourage you to comment on their blogs. It helps them know that people are wondering how they're doing. It's really very uplifting. It really makes a big difference. It is really wonderful. Even just a little simple thing can really make a difference. It's the little things that count right? Right.

Tuesday, August 19th, 2008

Today I came across a blog of a family who lost an 8 week old baby girl to SIDS. Here are my feelings...
I cried as I read her blog because I am suffering the pain of losing a baby too. He passed away 11 weeks ago and it still feels like it just happened, only worse. It seems as though the pain only gets harder. There's no gentle enough way to word what happened to Kolby... my precious baby has passed away from a drowning accident. I almost wish it had been SIDS because I think I would be able to accept that it really was Kolby's time to go home a little easier. I keep wondering and doubting if I had done things differently that maybe he would still be here. If only I had been home when it had happened, maybe I could have prevented it from happening. But I know it was his time to go or it wouldn't have happened. I really run into times when I just need to cry, feel sorry for myself and complain to someone and have them just listen and not try to fix things for me, just to let me get it all out. In every aspect of my life I need to complain and feel sorry for myself I guess and it helps me feel better after I get it out. I can come up with a million things to vent about how stressed I am and how much I dislike things right now, my job situation and my life with losing Kolby. Almost everything. Although, I always end remembering how greatful I am for the blessings that I do have. I am really greatful for the gospel.
The first 5 weeks I was being carried through it all and was doing a lot better then than I am now, obviously. I had actually accepted that it was his time. And I felt at peace with it all. I knew it was his time to go and I felt so strong about it. And now I'm doubting myself? I wonder if it's just part of the grieving process. I don't know. It's all really confusing to me still. Sometimes I wish I had another child just to keep my mind off of it more often but... I don't. So, I'm trying to keep myself together somehow and it doesn't work very well. I've tried two different jobs already. Supercuts - the job I had before Kolby's accident & Pinnacle where I was working with kids and couldn't handle being around the ones Kolby's age. So obviously I keep failing because I breakdown at work and even when I get home I just crumble begging and pleading and wishing my life would just go back to normal somehow.
I get so embarrassed that I am so unstable right now. The pain inside is just unbearable. I Truly understand how mother's feel that lose their babies, I can actually say that I really do get it. It's kind-of sad. It's really sad. But maybe we could all be of some kind of support for each other. I know I need it, I just hope there are other's that need it too. Maybe that's what support groups are for. I need to find one.
At this point I am just praying that I will find the job right now that I can handle and be ok doing. I never knew it would be this hard after something like this. The stress of having to have a job to pay your bills and feeling like you are mentally not able to work is so horrible and complicated. How do other women do it? How do they do this? If anyone has any pointers... please... I am begging for your help. I really don't know what to do. I'm exhausted and up way too late. I'm going to sleep.

With All My Love,
Cassie Jo Weske

The pain is so strong
As I linger on
The sweet little children play
That I see everyday
Remind me of my precious Kolby.

I can't take it anymore
It's stronger now than ever before
I come home to an empty house
To find myself alone

Occupied with Kolby I once was
Finding myself with nothing to do
The pain quenches my heart
Like never before

I can't take it anymore
It's stronger now than ever before
I want nothing more than my sweet baby
Back in my arms
Like it once was before

Help, dear Father in Heaven above
I plead to you in heaven
Bring to me my child
Give to us our lives back on this earth
I want nothing more
Than to hold him in my arms
Just like before

Before this whole nightmare began

I can't take it anymore
This pain is stronger now than ever before
I beg to you from the bottom of my heart,
Tears streaming down my face
Puddles on the floor,
On my knees, I'm pleading,
My Sweet Kolby...
Back in my arms
Just like before.

Please nothing more,
I can't take it anymore,
I would give everything in my life
To have my sweet Kolby by my side

Forever…

Count Your Blessings

I am missing my Kolby. I miss his Smiles, I miss his hugs, I miss the way he would clench onto my body when he gives me a hug, I miss his voice in the morning, I miss his cries, I miss his loves, I miss his kisses, I miss getting up early with him to give him breakfast, I miss playing with him, I miss his whimpering to pick him up, I miss his screams for me, I miss his pouts, I miss his laughs, I miss his mischevious personality, I miss the way he would wrestle with his dad, I miss the way he would literally sit on your face if you were laying down on the ground, I miss the way he would play peekaboo with his dad, I miss his sweet little hands and fingers, I miss his cute toes and feet, I miss pattycake, I miss the way he would splash all the water out of his bath, I miss the way he was so curious about water coming out of a faucet, I miss how adventerous his was, I miss the way he walks, I miss the way he runs, I miss the way his face would look when he has a destination in his mind, I miss the way he would look at me when he's wondering what I'm thinking, I miss the feel of his body wrapped around me, I miss his hugs, I miss his snuggles, I miss his cute chubby cheeks, I miss his voice, I miss the way he would try to talk and jibber-jabber, I miss the way he would dance to music, I miss the way he rocks to music with the beat, I miss him reading Little Einstein books with me, I miss "Pat, Pat, pat..." the way he would pat with me when it was time in the story and "Raise your hands as high as you can and say Blastoff!" and how he would extend his arms really high, I miss the look on his face when he would see me enter the room, I miss the love he gave to me, I miss the way he made me feel so important, I miss being a mom.
On a lighter note, today was a pretty interesting day. Bryon took a test for his cleet training. He's been going to school and finished last week. We had some time to spend together which was very needed. I took a week off work at Supercuts because I felt that I needed to give Bryon and our marriage more attention. We don't do well when we don't see each other very often. And since he's been having a rough time lately I figured our marriage was more important than my job (obviously). He and I have been doing a lot better since I took off work. Although now he is stressing that I haven't been working so in the mean time until I can get back on the schedule at Supercuts, I've been working here and there for a family friend at Pinnacle Gym.
I'm contemplating not working at Supercuts anymore because the schedule just isn't out soon enough and I can't for anything, get a set schedule for me to be able to plan my week, which I am in desperate need of being able to do. It really would make everything so much easier and so much less stressful. I absolutely love my manager though... she is so amazing and so good with me so it makes this decision really hard. Plus the money is really good there too. Man, it just makes decision making a nightmare when you just don't know what to do!

I have been offered a full-time job at Pinnacle and it comes with a free gym membership which I am thinking seriously about doing. I'd get to work with kids which I really love... I just can't decide. I'd be taking a pretty big paycut but if I ever have kids again, I'd actually be able to take my kids to work with me. Yeah, sweet... I know. Anyone have any suggestions? Help!

Well, I am missing my brand new little niece Mylie. She is so sweet and so cute. CUTE pictures Ang! I can't wait to see that cute little family again. I am really missing being there. =-(

I recently talked to Jessica, my stepson's mom. She sounds like everything there is really good so that makes me happy. I sure miss being close to everyone in Utah. Jess is a fun girl to talk to. Despite her and my husband's past which I know is a very touchy subject for everyone, she is a really sweet person and really, very kind. I am glad we were all able to put everything behind us and kinda start fresh. They're a hoot to hang out with. They definitely kept me entertained. She has a really sweet little baby girl that just turned one and I am dying to see pictures of her. I'll have to post a picture when I get a copy of one. They're a cute little family. 

Other than that, not much else new to talk about. Bryon's going to be starting school soon. We are looking for a 2nd car so we can make it happen. If anyone knows of a reliable car for a reasonable price, let us know. We have like no money to invest into a nice car we just have to get something that will get us by for a while.

I am dying to have another baby. I know I need to wait though, so it makes it really emotional for both me and Bryon. We are both dying to have another one. We are going to need to wait until Bryon is in school and we are in our own place and financially stable to make it happen. Another reason why I can't decide what to do job-wise. I want more than anything to be able to be a stay-at-home mom eventually. I just don't see it happening anytime soon. Those of you who get to stay home with your kids... Count Your Blessings!! I am so jelous... It is getting worse and worse these days to be able to stay at home with your kids! You practically have to make $60,000 a year to afford it. It's ridiculous.

Well, off to bed I must go. Today was a good day.

All My Love,
Cassie Jo

Sunday, August 3rd, 2008

Well... today I woke up with Pink Eye. Anyone have any really good tricks to make it go away really fast? It is sooo miserable. So because I have pink eye I couldn't go to church today because of how highly contagious it is and I was really bummed out. I have a lot going on tomorrow too so hopefully I'll wake up miraculously healed! Prayer's really do work.  ;-)

Bryon is acting a lot happier and doing a lot better... thank you to those of you who have been praying. Prayer is so real and it really works. I have such a testimony of prayer. I'm having a hard time still too but I am feeling a lot better right now. I'm not quite exited to ride that roller coaster back down that hill again cuz I know I have to and that's okay though cuz I still have prayer and my scriptures. I am telling you, those are the ONLY things that are getting me through this.

Sometimes people ask me how I'm doing and I think... well, do you want the short, sweet answer where I say "I'm doing well" or the long version on how often I am feeling up and down on a roller coaster ride. Let me ask you a favor. No more "How are you's" for me. I just don't know how to answer it! Maybe I'll just laugh and walk away. Ha. Just kidding, that's rude. I wouldn't do that. Or you're welcome to ask and I'll just tell you "I don't know, let me get back to you on that in about a year or two." 

My Mom and I had a really good talk today. One thing she told me was a story about another Mom who only has one child, a little girl, and she lives in Park City, UT. I guess she was almost 2 years old and her Mom gave her some little diced apples and the little girl choked on it and passed away a few days later. I soon found that it was not only her only child as well but that it was only ONE week before Kolby passed away. Then a week after Kolby passed, another little boy from Mesa, AZ passed away and then after him another little girl from Las Vegas passed away the same way Kolby did. My Mom and I were talking about how there are 2 sets of missionaries all called home within a month time frame. Two male missionaries and two female missionaries. They were all toddlers when they were called home too. Isn't that interesting?

Well, I better get to bed. Work's coming soon.

Love With All My Heart,
Cass.

Bryon & Kolby

It has been a really emotional past couple of hard, hard days for my husband and I would like to ask everyone to say a special prayer for Bryon. He is struggling a lot with the loss of Kolby. He needs comfort in knowing that he was a wonderful daddy to Kolby. It breaks my heart to seem him in this much pain. Please pray for my husband, please pray for him.

He is the best dad Kolby could have ever asked for. Kolby chose him to be his dad and I hope that Bryon can feel that and know that this is true.

He needs our Love and our Prayers.

With All My Love,

Cass.

Life

When I look at someone else's life
I wonder why
Why this life is torn into a million different pieces
Where is the happiness
Where is the joy
What is it in this life that goes on missing?
The broken clouds above tell me a million different stories
I'm trying to find, this story, it's missing in the sky
Where all the stars, the moon and the sun are shining so bright.
Where there is light there is peace, there is joy and happiness.
Where is mine? Why do things fall into a million pieces?
What is it that I'm missing?
What is it that's not being understood?
The bullseye that I'm aimed for to make a perfect shot
Keeps ending up on the line outside the dot

I'm so torn up inside
This life that I am living
This dream that I once dreamed
The story that I'm dying to live
Yearning to give
I just can't seem to hit the dot
What is it about this life
Why do I keep missing the shot?

I pray and I pray and I know...
God is talking to me I just can't understand
The broken clouds above my head
Are talking to me, I can’t hear them
I'm screaming inside my head
All I hear is silence
I can't keep on feeling this, living this
I need to escape this nightmare that I'm living

I long for your love, my precious Kolby
I need the Lord's touch of compassion

My heart bleeds for understanding of all of this
Maybe it's me I'm so confused about
I thought I had things put together
I dreamed of us playing in God's garden with
Our precious Kolby in the skies above
I see him…
He's bleeding for our love to mend
He needs his mom and dad to make it back to him

The life that I live, I'm bleeding
I'm feel like I'm so far away from this dream
My life sinking before my very eyes
I feel like I'm in darkness
My life has been torn into a million pieces
My dreams slipping before my very eyes What can I do before it's gone
What is it about this roller coaster ride

It just keeps passing me by...

Kolby Jayden Weske

I cannot imagine what my life would have been like without my Sweet Baby Kolby. For the sixteen and a half months Kolby was with me, I was living in a dream. I always looked forward to being a mother since I was a teenager. Kolby is a remarkable little angelic spirit. He brought so many smiles to my face, so much joy and laughter and so much love. Simply, I was in paradise. Being a mother was what I have always dreamed of. I couldn't imagine back then how incredible it really is being a mother. I have been able to experience a Breath Of Heaven on earth. A Valient little Angel has been resting in my arms, giving me hugs, kissing my lips, Smiling his contagious, adorable Smile and always cuddling to feel closer to me. It is an unbelieveable story of his life that I am so greatful to have been a part of.

Kolby's sweet spirit, his big blue eyes of deep water blue that was unimaginably touching. The way he would lay his head upon my shoulder and clench onto me so tightly. The way he would yearn for his daddy to pick him up and enclose his sweet body around him. The way he would give me kisses by gently moving closer to my lips and gently touching with his mouth wide open. He was always an adventure wherever he was. Kolby and the way he would sit his little bottom right on top of his daddy's face during wrestling. His signature move his daddy called, "Brain Crusher!" Kolby cherished his daddy. His little face would light up with excitement the second he saw his daddy's face. He couldn't have ever asked for anything more than his daddy.

He loved to swing in the hammock, swim in his bathtub, shut every door that was open and run his little hands under the running water. He loved his little stuffed animal, a few at choice. One choice item he demanded as his own, mom and dad's toothbrushes! He loved turning them on and off and feeling the vibration in his sweet little mouth.

Grandpa would swing him in the hammock outside saying, "Boo!" each time he passed by. Kolby then decided that he liked that word. The next time they played, Kolby remembered and "Boo!" to Grandpa he declared and overwhelmed with excitement Grandpa smiled lovingly. Kolby loved to play hide and seek around the couch as his daddy would crawl and roar just to see Kolby's excitement and hear his giggles. He sure had his daddy wrapped around his little finger. Whatever Kolby wanted, his daddy was determined to give to him always.

Kolby, such a beautiful little boy, such a joy and happiness to him that is unexplainable. I love him dearly and I will never forget, I will always remember him. The way he would jibber-jabber with a destination in mind. The way he would comfort in time of need. The way he looked at me, right into my eyes and with curiosity trying to understand what I was thinking. He was so curious and truly a remarkable touch of Love. He is the most amazing spirit I have ever known and will ever know. No one can ever take his place.

I simply cannot imagine my life without Kolby. He has been such a miracle and such an inspiration to be a better mother and a better person. I know that I will be able to be with him again for time and all of eternity. I cannot wait for the day when Kolby will have his arms wide open for me to fall into. The day that I will be able to reunite with him again is unimaginable and yet filled with overwhelming love for him. I am greatfully looking forward to that day.

I love him so much and he will continue to be a part of my life and a part of my heart forever. I will always remember the times when he would look me strait in the eyes and smile. It was as if he knew. It was as if he could feel what I was feeling. I will always remember him. He will always remain a part of our family and in our lives as we continue to give life to more children, his brothers and sisters. He will always be included in the number of children that I have. I will always live as though Kolby is still with us. I want his brothers and sister to know him. I don't want them to just know of him, I want them to know him like we know him. I think it's important that they know of their brother Kolby. I want it to be real to them and exiting. I want them to see how happy Kolby was. Watch home videos of him and look at his scrapbooks with me and show them who their oldest brother is and that he lives in heaven and loves them and how much he wants to see them again.

I know that Koby will look down from heaven with his adorable smile and give us joy, hope and happiness forever. Kolby will make Family our name.

No one can ever take his place.

My Niece Mylie & My "Remember Kolby" Day

Mylie is such an angel! I Love being an Aunt! Being here and spending time with Mylie has confirmed my thoughts, "I wonder if Mylie was with Kolby before she was born?" I know that Kolby has been close by because when I hold Mylie, I can feel Kolby standing next to me and I know he's smiling. I know Mylie can see him and feel him close by even though she is an infant. I know the veil is thin in her eyes. Oh how I wish the veil was thin in mine own eyes all the time! But there is a very good reason that it isn't and I know it's for my own good!

Today I want to make it a "Remember Kolby" Day for myself. So... I'm going to be posting a slideshow of pictures of Kolby if I can figure it out. I hope you enjoy them! Lot's of Love!

Mylie Joleen Whitaker

I'm leaving for Tucson, Arizona today! I am really looking forward to it. Angie & Richie just had their first baby! Mylie Joleen is her name. She was born July 15th at 7:30pm. Weight: 7 pounds 1 oz; 19 1/2 inches. She is simply ADORABLE! Here's some cute pictures of her. I can't wait! I am so exited and so anxious to see & meet Mylie!

I believe that you don't fully understand the pain in losing a child until it happens to you. And not just a child but your only child. I pray that no person I ever know will ever have to experience pain like this. I would not wish this upon even my worst enemy. The anguish and despair I feel everyday is so powerful and heavy. I cannot ever fully escape it. Not even fully when I'm on my knees crying my eyes out to the Lord. I still feel the pain.
I do find comfort when I pray. That is the only thing that helps me keep going. Today was one of the hardest days since the funeral. I’ll explain.
Church is a place where I can always feel peace without even trying very hard. Today I had a really emotional day. As soon as sacrament was over, I was sitting in the pew and a friend of mine came over to me and the first thing he asked me was, “Are you okay? You seem teary eyed.” I don’t even remember what I said, all I remember is tears streaming down my face and trying to hold myself together until I could find my dad to just be able to cry and let it all out to. Bryon had to work graveyard the night before so he was at home asleep.
During sacrament I sat next to one of my favorite friends in the whole world. She is the most incredible person I have ever known. I asked her for a piece of paper as the speakers were starting to talk. I didn’t end up taking notes on it at all like I was planning. My hand just started writing all these feelings and worries that have been on my mind for the last while. It felt good to get it all down on paper. I guess things happen for a reason and it’s always a reason to benefit us if we just listen and obey.

During 2nd hour of church, I was standing out in the hall waiting to find my dad. I was giving everything I had just trying to keep myself together. Everytime someone would pass, I would get the question if I was okay.

I am a worrier. Even when Kolby was alive, when I would give him a bath, I remember being terrified of him falling over and choking up water. I was always sitting on the ground right next to the bathtub to be sure he was going to be fine. I know I am someone who worries about every little detail of my life. If one little thing has even a tiny slit in it, I worry and work at it until it has been fixed. I can’t hide my emotions not even when I really try. My emotions are all over my face. Everyone can read me and I hate that. I've been told that I wear my heart on my face and everybody I know, knows it. Well, I didn't just worry about Kolby in water for no reason. I think my mind and spirit knew what was going to happen to Kolby without me even knowing it because of the horrible fear I had of him in the water. I never gave him a chance to go under the water at all except that one time that I was in the pool with him and we played the game "1-2-3-under!" and even then I was nervous for Kolby. I was extrememly careful in those kinds of circumstances. I believe that Heavenly Father knew my fear and since drowning was the way for Kolby to go home to Heaven, it had to be done without me at home. I feel sorrow for the ones that were home when it happened. I hope and pray with all of my heart that they don't blame themselves. I know that Heavenly Father had a plan for Kolby and he is the one that led Kolby up the ladder. As weird as that sounds, I really do believe that it happened for a reason. For some reason Kolby was finished with his life on this earth for now. I know that I will never fully understand it but I do know that Kolby is with me all the time and next to me, trying to put his strength and courage around my heart to protect me. I can feel him with me more than I ever thought, especially today through the hardest time of today.

Written Saturday, July 19th at 3:30am

All I can do is think about my sweet little Kolby...

I woke up at 3:30am this morning after only sleeping for 4 1/2 hours and couldn't go back to sleep. So here I am still and can't sleep. I feel sad and sorrowful. I am so awake that I know there is no chance I am going to be able to fall back asleep before I have to get up and ready for work. Another long day at work trying to avoid the conversation about, "Do you have kids?" I often lie and say that I do and then act like he is still alive and refer to him as, "He's so much fun and he's 16 1/2 months old" Even though right now he would have been 18 months old. I just don't care anymore. I'd rather not tell anyone and just pretend everything is okay until I'm off work. I often have my breakdowns when I get in my car on my way home.
Well, I have been writing and reading a lot. I came across a blog of a family that lost their baby girl at only 14 months old to a drowning accident also. And only two weeks after I lost Kolby. It's somewhat comforting in a weird way to know that I am not the only one. I decided to write her a letter. Here's what I wrote:

Stephanie,

I have heard a lot about you and your family. I am in the same ward as the Matt & Ann Traynor. Matt said that Ann is friends with you and gave me the link to your website and told me the story about Camille. I, too, lost an infant to a drowning accident. He was my one and only child other than my stepson Conner. He's 6 1/2 & lives in Utah with his mom. I have no other children in my house though. I wonder often why the Lord took Kolby before I had even just one more child. I often wonder if it would ease the pain even a little to have another child to hold on to and take care of. I don't know what to do with myself anymore. My whole life was Kolby. And now, I am back to working and trying to keep my mind off things as much as possible. I pray every day I'm at work that I'm not going to break down crying in front of my clients. I'm a hairstylist and constantly asked about how many kids I have. It's bitter sweet and I have to hold everything in not to break down crying in front of them. It is the last place I want to be... at work... I wish I could just leave work any moment I start to feel sad and go to Kolby's grave. By the time I'm finally off work I drive home crying. Usually I end up making an extra trip to Kolby's grave to visit him. My little boy was 16 1/2 month old. Kolby Jayden was his name. I guess it happened just days before your accident with Camille. I can honestly tell you that I know how you feel. I have heard over and over again that time heals and that it gets easier as each day passes. I am now starting week 7 as of Friday, July 18th, (My little boy passed away May 30th) and it seems to only get harder as time goes on. I find myself crying more and a little harder as each day passes... I think they meant that after maybe the first year it gets easier?

I don't know what I can say that would help you with this trial in your own life. Just know that you have a friend.

I am having trouble sleeping too. As you can tell, it's 4am in the morning and I'm reminiscing over it all and missing my sweet baby. I stumbled upon your blog again tonight because over three of my friends and anonymous writers from the comment area on my blog have all wanted to share your blog page with me to read. I finally decided to read it thoroughly tonight.

The first time I read only bits and pieces of your blog and only for a sweet second. I couldn't begin to try and handle it. Reading your words only a short time after Kolby's accident; all I did was crumble on the floor crying my eyes out as I felt your pain. I can do nothing else but cry right now as I read your sweet words and remembering and feeling the same feelings you are going through. The songs you have posted are beautiful. What is the name of the song you posted by Jessie Clark Funk? I cry and cry as I play it over and over again. I wish I could be of some comfort to you somehow.
I believe that I am doing well. Obviously I have my hard days like now but I also have my better days too. I feel strength from the gospel cradling me through this difficult time and I know just through reading your words that you are being cradled too. I am so glad that you are so close to the Lord because I know that the Lord and the gospel is the only thing that is getting me through all of this pain. I thank Heavenly Father for the blessings he’s given me at this time and for the opportunity I have to share my feelings with you right now. I know I have written a lot. I hope that is okay. I hope that in some way this can be of comfort to you knowing that you’re not alone.
With all my Love,
Cassie Jo Weske

I hope she finds comfort and that it helps her somehow in her own life through this difficult time. I know how she feels and I can actually say that I really do know how she feels. I don't like being able to say that. I just hope she knows that I'm here for her and I will always be a friend from this point and forever.

Goodbye

I answered the phone
As her voice sank into despair,
I saw Kolby's life flash before my eyes
Screaming, as the phone fell out of my trembling hands,
I felt my heart break as I sank into anguish & despair.
Where am I to go from here?
As I'm standing at a crossroad
I'm wondering which way to go
It’s a choice I have to make, I know it's gonna hurt,
It's gonna break me down, I know I’m gonna have to cry
All I’m trying to find is a way to fill this void inside,
It think it starts with...
goodbye.

Time heals, the wounds that I feel, somehow, right now
It’s gonna have to hurt, I know I'm gonna have to cry
I’m gonna have to let go of some things to get to the other side,
Maybe moving on with the rest of my life
starts with...
Goodbye.

It’s so hard to live my life without you,
I feel my heart break as I sink into anguish & despair,
My life will never be the same.
It’s so hard to love, when there’s so much to hate
And hanging on to hope when there is no hope to speak of.
In the wounded skies above, say it’s much too late
Maybe I should be praying for time
But this is my time of empty hands.
I hold on to what I can.
I scream from behind the door,
What’s mine is mine, what’s yours is yours!
My Sweet Kolby,
He can’t come back.

It’s so hard to love, when there’s so much to hate
And hanging on to hope
When there is no hope to speak of.
In the wounded skies above say it’s much, much too late.

Maybe I should be praying for time.
Time heals, the wounds that I feel, somehow, right now
It’s gonna have to hurt, I know I'm gonna have to cry,
I’m gonna have to let go of some things to get to the other side,
Sometimes moving on with the rest of my life starts with
…Goodbye.

Some of the Lyrics from the song, "Praying For Time"

Kolby's Mommy, Cassie Weske

Sweet Messages - Kolby Jayden Weske

Thoughts and Sweet Messages from all our friends on Facebook...

Kayla Freeman (Edmond Santa Fe High School) wroteat 4:49pm on July 10th, 2008
i love you!!!!

Tim Mosher (Pittsburgh) wroteat 8:51pm on June 12th, 2008
My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family. I am so sorry to hear about your son.

Erin Carey (Los Angeles, CA) wroteat 6:24am on June 11th, 2008
I am so sorry to hear about your loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Shani Baldauf Ogden (BYU) wroteat 2:06pm on June 10th, 2008
Cassie I'm so sorry about Kolby. You are in my thoughts and prayers. You will see him again and I pray that gives you the strength and comfort and peace that you desire. You are stronger than you know.

Nicolette Johnson (Houston, TX) wroteat 12:43am on June 10th, 2008
Hey my friend, I will keep your family in my thoughts and prayers, I hope that you may find peace and comfort through this time of trial and heartache. You are loved, and remember that the Lord will extend His mercy and love to you and your family. If I can do anything for you, please don't hesitate to ask! Love you!

Amanda Jordan (Provo, UT) wroteat 5:58pm on June 9th, 2008
Cassie, We were so saddened to find out about Kolby. It is difficult to find the words to express our sorrow. I loved seeing you interact with him. I know how much you and Bryon loved him. He was always so happy and I loved playing with him and holding him whenever I was at your house or you were at mine. I too will miss him. I can't imagine going through what you're going through and I wish I was there to give you a big hug. I know we are now in different states so I'm not sure what help I can offer but I want you to know that I am here for you. My heart aches for your loss and you are all in our thoughts and prayers. I love you!

White LilySent with Flowers for Friends

Will Jensen (MyFamily.com) wroteat 9:52am on June 9th, 2008
Cassie, My heart hurts because of your loss. I am so sorry. you will see him again. My prayers are with you.

Elizabeth Jean Rivera wroteat 1:30am on June 9th, 2008
Cassie, I am so sorry for your loss. I cannot even being to imagine what you must be going through. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Cami Weitzell Epperson wroteat 10:50pm on June 8th, 2008
Cass... I came across the news on Angie's blog. I just happened to be looking around, and there it was. I don't know what happened, all I know is you have lost your sweet baby. My heart aches for you right now. I can't imagine the pain and loss you feel. Know that my prayers are with you, if that can help at all.

Afton Ballard (Edmond Memorial High School) wroteat 9:57pm on June 8th, 2008
hang in there cassie...i love you and your family SO SO much!!! you all are SO very strong and i know you can get through anything!! like you said, kolby is with God...he is now in a better place! stay strong and know that you and your family are in my prayers every night...God does not give us trials that we can not handle...turn to him during this time and he will comfort you!! i love you!!!♥

Ryan Grassley wroteat 7:37pm on June 8th, 2008
I'm so sorry to hear about what happened. My prayers are with your family.

Santosh Johnson (Salt Lake City, UT) wroteat 4:38am on June 8th, 2008
Cassie and Bryon, I am deeply saddened to hear about your loss. I know there is nothing that can ease the pain of losing a child, but please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you.

Athena Padilla (Inland Empire, CA) wroteat 12:32am on June 8th, 2008
Oh, Cassie...I was in tears when I read your note about your baby, but I want to be there for you as much as I can, so I have to write you something. I just wish I still lived close. I want to give you a big, long hug. I feel close to your baby too because we were pregnant with our firsts together. That was a special time when we worked at MyFamily.com and we were always feeling each others babies kicking in our tummies. :) You just keep hanging in there. You have a special baby that God needed back home. Please call me if you need to talk. I love you soo much Cassie.

Phillip Padilla (BYU) wroteat 12:09am on June 8th, 2008
Athena and my hearts sank when we read what happened. Our deepest condolences to you and your family. You will be in our prayers.

Maritza Giles-Lopez (C. Oklahoma) wroteat 9:15pm on June 7th, 2008
I love your girl. I know you can get threw anything.

Amy Love (C. Oklahoma) wroteat 6:59pm on June 7th, 2008
Hey girl! I just wanted to let you know that Justin and I have still been thinking about you guys! You guys have been in our prayers and will continue to be! We will get together soon! Justin tried to call bryon the other night but no one was home! Hope you are staying strong! We love you guys!

Kirsten Jones (BYU) wroteat 3:12pm on June 7th, 2008
I'm so sorry! I will keep you in my prayers.

Shawntel Dalton (Provo, UT) wroteat 3:06pm on June 7th, 2008
I will be praying for you. Talk to you more tomorrow.

Jennifer Graves (Westmont High) wroteat 2:24pm on June 7th, 2008
i love you. i've been praying for your family.

Cassie Weske wroteat 2:17pm on June 7th, 2008
I don't know if anyone knows... my little baby Kolby fell into the swimming pool, he is in Heaven now... Watching over me, I'm deeply missing him. My sweet baby, my Guardian Angel...

Kolby Jayden Weske

The numbness I feel,
Emptiness left inside of me.
The tragedy I’m facing,
Every mother’s worst nightmare I am living…
How could it be, why is it me…

The pain so unbearable,
The memories so clear.
The shock inside me that still makes everything seem unreal.
The truth that my baby has gone away,
The anguish I feel every second of the day.
Oh how strange the feeling of not having Kolby so close.
The touch of his hands, the smile on his face,
The feel of his body clenched around my own.
The feel of his arms, his cute little feet,
The smell of his clothes lingers on and on…
His little blanket I clench, for strength to cradle me,

The sounds of his cry in the mornings no more.
His cute little crib, the rocking chair, his toys,
His room I stand in even still today,
Leaves peacefulness, leaves feelings that he is okay.

As each day passed the first week after his death,
I was cradled; I was carried through all the pain, every second.
I felt okay, I was not feeling down or depressed
I could feel Kolby with me, next to me, inside of me,
Carrying me, strengthening me, helping me through.
He did not leave me, not even one second.
He held my hand close to his heart and whispered to me,
“Mommy, everything’s going to be okay”... over & over again.

I felt lifted; I was strong, only because I knew he was there with me.
The second week felt the same. He didn't leave my side once.

He knew my heartache, he knew I needed him, he knew I couldn't bare this alone without him close by.
By this point I knew I was just on a roller-coaster ride.

The roller coaster of grief, the grieving cycles continue to go on,
I have my breakdowns & they can devour my emotions.

It's hard to be strong when I feel so much pain and agony.

Every day after the first two weeks got a little harder,
A little less sleep, a little more crying, a little more weeping & overwhelming breakdowns.

Yet it also was a little more unbearable, a little more real,
Keeping myself busy definitely can help.

Now back to work I go,
The first three days was hell.
By the fourth I felt stronger & figured out after so long,
How to handle the feelings & get through the day, how to get along.
As soon as I would come home, I would let it all out & back to his grave to visit him I go.
I would pour out my heart, my feelings, my sorrows,
The gut wrenching misery of missing him I cried.

It’s now been five weeks since the death of my son,
I can't say it gets easier but I need to remember,
To be kind to myself & give myself time to get through the grief.
Don’t rush back to work too soon yet don’t wait too long.
It helps to have friends to lean on through difficult times,
A constant reminder that the Lord’s on my side.

I remember one particular day, a week after his death,
I felt some familiar feelings of this tragic event.
I thought to myself, how could this be? I didn’t know this was going to happen, not me.
A few days later at church on a Sunday afternoon,
I read this quote, it hit me so hard, it is so true…

“You were taught and prepared for the circumstances
you would personally encounter in mortality…
Your memory of premortal life would be kept from you
to assure that it would be a valid test,
but there would be guidance given to show you how to live.”

I believe that the guidance to show me how to live is Scriptures & Prayer, I could not go through this obstacle without this. It is what has kept me strong and faithful so that I can live with Kolby again; So that I can continue to raise him from the point he left me one day again. I know this is true, I can’t deny this.


Why is it so that innocent babies have to leave us so soon?




“This world is a very wicked world; and it grows more wicked and corrupt every day. The Lord takes many away, even in infancy, that they may escape the envy of man and the sorrows and evils of this present world; they were too pure, too lovely, to live on earth; therefore, if rightly considered, instead or mourning we have reason to rejoice as they are delivered from evil, and we shall soon have them again… notwithstanding all this glory, we for a moment lose sight of it and mourn the loss, but we do not mourn as those without hope.”

Memories of Kolby

I remember one day I was in the pool with Kolby & we were playing in the water & splashing around. I would play a game with him & call it “1-2-3-under!” & we would quickly go under water & back up again. He would always smile & want to do it again. He loved playing in the water. I also tried one time to teach him how to float on his back so that if he ever did fall into a pool somewhere, that he would remember to relax & know how to float on his back. He was too nervous & anxious to relax in the pool. He couldn’t relax enough to try it even. I kept thinking to myself, I have got to get him into swimming lessons before there is an accident. I wish with everything in me that I would have just moved quicker & started his swimming lessons before this happened. I think I somehow blame myself for this because I was scared of this happening & I didn’t move fast enough. My mom even told me that she didn’t think it was a good idea to put the stairs in the pool this summer. I’m the one who said, “Oh mom, you can put them in the pool. Kolby will never be outside by himself & besides you can lock them up so he can’t reach them anyway.” I take the responsibility for the stairs even being in the pool to begin with. Through this horrible tragedy, we have all learned the hard way the importance of pool safety. I will never make the same mistake again, I know this for sure. Kolby was my sweet little baby & we were so close. He & I had a bond that not anyone could take away from us. We had so much fun together & I have so many wonderful memories of him. He was so full of life, so happy & such a good baby. I don’t know how I was so lucky to have been blessed with such an angel baby. I just can’t believe what has happened. It doesn’t feel real yet. I’m still waiting to get hit really hard with the real feelings of my son’s death. I wonder if I will ever truly understand all of this.

Patty Cake Time!

Kolby on January 16th, 2008 taking a bath before bed. He loved to play Pattycake, so this is him playing Patty Cake. He claps, while I sing the song...

Here he is clapping his hands... still clapping, then I would say "Roll it.... and roll it... and toss it in the oven!" He loved that part! As you can tell in the next picture...

Oh how I miss him, every day gets harder and I keep wondering when this pain is going to lessen. I feel more pain everyday that I remember what happened and trying to understand it all is a big fork in the road.

Back to Kolby, how much fun! This was probably one of his most favorite games that we played with him!

Here is Kolby throwing it in the oven! Patty Cake boy was his nickname with Wannie. She taught him how to Patty Cake, she loved playing with Kolby.

Wannie was so close with Kolby. The second he would walk through the door and he would see Wannie & Pop-pop, Kolby would start clapping so she would sing PattyCake to him. When he would see Pop-pop he would run over to him and start rubbing his face and then slap his face for, "Nice grandpa, nice grandpa and then Naughty grandpa, naughty grandpa, naughty grandpa!" Then we would all start giggling at Kolby and his little mischevious ways. One day he was in nursery and decided to try it out on them, the nursery kids didn't think it was very funny though! In fact they didn't like it at all!

Kolby & Mommy

I can not imagine what life would have been like the last year and a half without my Sweet Baby Kolby. For the last year and a 1/2, I have been living a dream. I have been in paradise. I have been able to experience a Breath Of Heaven on earth. A Valient little Angel has been resting in my arms, giving me hugs, kissing my lips, Smiling his contagious, adorable Smile and always wanting to be held to feel closer to his mommy & daddy. I can not imagine our lives without Kolby Jayden Weske. He has been such a miracle and such an inspiration to make it back to the Celestial Kingdom in Heaven that I may be able to be with him again for time and all of eternity. I cannot wait for the day when Kolby will have his arms wide open for me to fall into. I love him so much and he will always be a part of my life and a part of my heart. I will always remember the times when he would look me strait in the eyes and smile. It was as if he knew. It was as if he could feel what I was feeling. I will always remember him. He will always remain a part of our family and in our lives as we continue to give life to more children, his brothers and sisters. He will look down from heaven with his adorable smile and give us joy, hope and happiness forever. No one can ever take his place.

I know, I know, FINALLY!

Okay, so I've decided to try to start a blog.

I hope I can figure it out! Wish me LUCK, I may need it!!!

Cass.